Inside the Mind of Jennifer S

The amazing thing about being a person that speaks their mind is that it is pretty easy to get inside the mind of Jennifer S. Many years ago I made the decision to speak truthfully. I called it "Keeping it real". I am sure you have heard that expression before. As much as I would love to take credit for it, that was not an original thought. I merely included it in my daily living.

Part of the reason for doing that was because I had felt like I was always shrouded in mystery. It was as though my world, my thoughts, and my very existence had been built upon a lie. 'There must be some truth in this world' I pondered. What was the truth? What is truth? It is funny how things begin to expose themselves when you open your eyes. I was maybe 15 when I realized that in order to create the life I wanted I had to live the life I wanted. I wanted to exist in a world where truth was paramount. I wanted to live in a world where I could trust the words of those around me; a world where my words held value.

Inside my mind, I see so many truly incredible things. I see people smiling at me. I see strangers stopping me in order to give me a compliment. They seem to do these things when I need it most and let me tell you that I am thankful and humbled each and every time because I cannot help but feel like someone is smiling down on me and telling me that everything is going to be OK. 

The truth is, I am not physically strong. My body has been cruel and perhaps I have been cruel in return. The sickness that I live with haunts me. It cripples my convictions. I find myself wanting to lie to the world and tell them that I am doing fine. I want to tell them that everything is alright even when my body sings a different tale. This conflict races within me. It taunts me. Should I reveal my truth or should I succumb and become that which I had sworn I'd never be? 

Fear. The monster that chases us in our dreams and in our waking world. It keeps us from being who we were meant to be. I refuse to live in fear even when I am afraid. I wrote this poem that I hope you will enjoy.

Fear

You rob me of my comfort

You rip me from this place

You rob me of my comfort

You steal without a trace

 

There's nothing in these visions

No past, no future here

There's nothing in illusions

No worry, fear is near

 

Should I take comfort in this?

In this time and in this space

Should I tell you that I miss

The loving look across your face?

 

My fear is my redeemer

It tells me I am real

My fear is my confession

I cannot help but squeal

 

I'll drift into a slumber

Place your hand across my face

I'll kiss you in the thunder

If you release me from this place

I'm afraid

 

 

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